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Sunday, May 29, 2005

Dog Town News



Furry Pole Sitter Seeks Guinness Record.



Bobby the Black Squirrel was spotted sitting on the crossbar of a local telephone pole earlier this afternoon. Minutes later when he descended he confessed he was just doing some warmups for a new pole sitting record for black squirrels. He claims that Maurice the Brown Squirrel cheated on his record setting pole sitting last fall and he says that he can prove it. At this time however he is seeking the perfect pole to take a shot at the record. When asked what he considers to be the best pole in the area, he replied, "I like this one quite a bit, it has a great view of that oak tree across the street where I spotted this really hot babe, Brittney Squirrel drawing the blinds over her nest. I heard she has the bushiest tail around. I mean, dude, she was in a thong! I'm pretty sure this is the pole."


Bobby Squirrel seeks record





New War Memorial Unveiled in Paris

Paris officials have unveiled a masterpiece of classic sculpture with the latest works of French Master Sculptor, Pierre Letardo. The presentation was a grand scene with marching bands, hot air balloons and mime artists and circus clowns. The French Prime Minister was on hand to dedicate the sculpture to the memory of the lone French soldier killed in the war with Iraq. The unknown soldier was apparently backed over by a French armored vehicle while retreating at the first sighting of a group of well armed Iraqi schoolchildren. His body was unrecognizable and unidentifiable according to news sources. There was a moment of silence during the Prime Ministers speech when he apparently could not recall the French battle cry, an aide informed him that there were none on record and the speech continued after a cajun american in the crowd shouted "Laissez le Bon Temp Roule" to fill in the awkward moment of quiet.




Arc de Mailbox

The scene immediately following the dedication was marred by a french flyer in a small Cessna airplane when he attempted to fly through the arch and wow the crowds. He missed his mark and crash landed in a field about 2 kms away. He was unhurt in the accident.






Woman Sues God for Damage

Mrs. Billy Joe Diddler seeks damage remuneration in the amount of $14 trillion dollars for the cost of repairs to her home and psychiatric help to get over her hurt feelings. She claims that she has always loved and believed in God and he has shown nothing but contempt to her by sending a windstorm to her home that damaged one of her plastic shutters. When asked why it would cost so much to repair the shutter she replied, "Well, the shutter only costs $4.95 at WalMart but I'm going to need psychiatric help for the rest of my natural born life. If I live another 40 years do you think I'll be able to afford that kind of help on what I make now? You've got to be kidding me! Besides, I'm sure he can afford it and I know he won't want me praying to the Devil! Hallelujah!"


Damage said to exceed $14 trillion





Have a great Memorial Day!!!!
Wednesday, May 25, 2005

good clean fun... yeah right!

One of the cool things about deep sea diving is a situation where there is so much work to be done at a relatively deep depth that it makes much more sense to "saturate" divers for up to 30 days at a time. Saturation technically means that your body tissues can not absorb any more gas from the environment at pressure and that decompression time will not increase any further because of that fact. To do this you need chambers large enough to live inside and be able to lock out of into a diving bell and ride in it to the sea floor to accomplish your job. The pressure on your body remains the same for the entire 30 days. Decompressing is accomplished at the very end of the job one time only instead of every single time the diver surfaces. Divers generally love it because the pay is very high compared to other forms of diving.

Ok, now that the techie stuff is done with lets move on to the fun. Living at depth in a very small chamber crowded with 3 other men can be tough, especially when there is no privacy at all when it comes time to take care of business. There are specially designed toilets for this and they use the pressure inside the hull of the chamber to evacuate waste thru a large valve on the outside, thru a large fire hose that has its end in the ocean. When the diver is finished he has to call for a flush and a deck tender must go and manually open the valve for a few moments and allow the piss and shit to blow thru the hose into the sea. The highly pressurized waste is too much for the shipboard waste systems to handle so letting it fly overboard is the easiest solution.

Unfortunately, sometimes the seas can be rough and very windy and if the flush is done when the tip of the hose comes up out of the water you can have a huge vapor cloud of waste blow back up and over the deck. What fun it is to watch the riggers on deck run for cover when the control room calls for a flush on one of the chambers. They quickly learn how nasty it is to get caught in the cloud and the smell is incredibly bad. The would often be tripping all over each other when they hear that call over the deck speakers.

Tugboats and supply boats often come alongside and eventually wear a hole in the side of the hose above the water line and if they are tied up alongside when a flush is called for they get sprayed down with some truly godawful stuff all over their decks and hull. Of course this is a lot of fun to watch if there is some activity on their deck and we would find a strategic location on the top deck of the ship to watch the fun when a flush was imminent. The looks on peoples faces when they realize what just happened to them is priceless! You ever see a grown man cry because he was just sprayed down with a high pressure mist of finely vaporized piss and shit? It's hilarious!

I recall one job in particular where the shitter hose was taking a constant beating from tugboats coming alongside and we had to change the hose often. I was a technician on the job and I scrounged around below deck in the machinery rooms and found some hose that I thought would work ok. I had a couple of tenders move the reel up to the deck and instructed them on how to replace the old shitter hose. I told them to put 2 new clamps to hold it to the valve assembly and to make sure it was very tight so that it couldn't blow off when a flush was done. They turned out to be a couple of wimps apparently because the hose was not tight enough...

The very next time that a flush was done the hose blew off the valve right there where the hapless tender was standing when he cranked the valve wide open. The explosion of vaporized piss and shit was literally right in his face and the vapor cloud engulfed that area of the deck and chambers and the man was soaked to the bone with some of the absolutely nastiest stuff you could imagine. His screams were heard all over the deck at the moment he realized what had just happened to him. He started cursing and crying and running to the stairwell to go below deck and get into one of the showers fully dressed. That entire area of the deck and chambers had to be scrubbed down with soap and water over and over again and they still could not get rid of the smell. No one ventured over that way unless they absolutely had no other choice.

The tender smelled for days afterward, the odor seemed to have permeated his skin almost permanently and of course he became the butt of many jokes about what had happened to him. I was certainly glad it wasn't me although I did get yelled at about the whole thing, the superintendent on the job tried to reprimand me for not installing the hose myself, but he could barely contain his laughter the whole time he was supposedly yelling at me. Me? I thought it was one of the funniest things ever!
Saturday, May 21, 2005

about my trip...

I witnessed and enjoyed many amazing and wonderful things on my journey into the unknown. I can't begin to describe! I think I'll just list a few here.



  • Alligators are far from extinct. I saw many, many interstate alligators everywhere I traveled! (interstate alligator= shredded truck tire carcass, often looks like a real gator crossing the road in the distance)
  • Killing red bulls can make a long drive much more enjoyable.
  • Witnessed the immediate aftermath of a dump truck penetrating a very heavy duty concrete barrier wall in the center of an interstate highway! What a mess! That must have hurt like a bitch!
  • Saw a number of 18 wheelers actually using the correct lane and not impeding faster moving traffic!
  • Got milk? It's even better when you see a giant tank truck full of milk on it's side in a ditch with milk spilling everywhere. (note to self: keep glove box stocked full of Oreos)
  • Observed a number of crack-heads coming and going from the room below me. (like it's not too fukking obvious)

I also had a check list of things I planned on doing during my trip. Let's see how well I did.

( ) Kill Godzilla once and for all. I found out he's hibernating beneath the Sea of Japan and the plane ticket was outside my budget, I'll get you next time you crazy giant lizard!!

(x) Do some camping at the "Y". Hell yeah, what fun. Especially when the grounds are nicely manicured and trim!

(x) Learn to read some braille. This is a wonderful way to get acquainted with women too!

(x) Test drive some new Trojan condoms. They weren't too bad actually but it's still nothing like the real thing.

(x) Switch to the real thing and love it even more! Now we're talking!

(x) Learn new tricks. I'm an old dog, it's never too late!

( ) Visit my favorite Texas bloggers. You know who you are! Sorry guys and gals maybe on the next trip?

(x) Go toe to toe, face to face, heart to heart with the Demon Queen without blinking! woohoo!!!

Hey, looks like I did pretty good on my checklist! Sorry I can't tell you guys the exact location of the Realm, but to me it's not just a distant place anymore. It now exists in my bleeding heart. All in all the trip was a real eye opener to some new possiblities in my life. Thanks for all the sweet well wishes while I was away!!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

covert mission...

I'll be out of town for the next several days on a trip to Anywhere, USA hehe So don't get too excited when I don't answer your emails till Sunday! Wish me luck!!

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Here's a little joke I picked up from somewhere.... What are the little bumps surrounding a womans nipples.....

It's Braille for "Suck Here"


Have a kik butt week!!
Monday, May 16, 2005

fun!! woohoo!!

You guys know how much I love getting good hatemail and somebody has been kind enough to oblige me. Some guy calling himself Pikkel Weezel has attacked the Community Justice Blog with some moronic comments which I promptly deleted. They really weren't worth reading or I would have left them up so you guys could pick on him. But, he has come by my blog and attacked me personally, LOL Yay!! Unfortunately though his hatemail/comment was so pitiful that on a scale of 1 thru 5 I would say he barely even scratched a 1. Try harder next time, I mean really, calling me a spineless fag is hardly even worth a reply! And besides if he had read one single one of my posts he would know for a fact that I am neither spineless or a fag. I am however a bastard and an asshole and a bitch. But since I was looking for a good excuse for a post I thought I would have some fun at his expense.

His comment is in the post below. I left it up because I had some fun editing it and put a few words in his mouth, renamed him and changed the URL to his actual blog if you want to go have a look. His entire blogs purpose seems to be there for making fun of people for no other reason than just to be an asshole. I think his attacks are just childish attempts at calling attention to his blog to get hits and or comments. 5 bucks says he retaliates with a spam flood of comments either here or at the CJ site. Yeah, I think he is exactly that childish! hahaha

Pikkel Weezel you little fucktard, I hope you come back and play some more after you grow a couple hairs on your balls, I'll make you my personal bitch in the meantime.

Who said Mondays can't be Fun Days? Not me!
Sunday, May 15, 2005

slackeriffic

I know I've been slacking lately on posting, I think it's just a phase though. I still enjoy it very much, I just can't seem to come up with any good topics lately except for my diving stories. I have plenty of those but I don't want this blog to be about that alone. There's a lot going on in my life right now but nothing that I want to blog about for fear of messing up a couple of good things. Really good things. Hell yes!

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I've never done one of these so forgive me for doing it once! A list of silly searches that found my blog!

10) One man firehose handling- I personally don't ask for assistance when I take a leak, so hands off beotch!

9) Right place, wrong time- Haven't we all been to that place at the wrong time? What's the point of Google searching for it. Must be looking for trouble with that one.

8)Raped by 2 girls- One of my fantasys that came true! Can't blame ya for that one buddy.

7)Nude pictures of Morgan Webb- Woooo she is so hot. Hell yeah, when you find some, send me the links will ya!!

6)Kate Beckinsale bodacious- She's one of my faves, right under Sandra Bullock, but is she truly bodacious, I have no idea. You're looking in the wrong place pally!

5) Grandma sex with dogs- ok this one just blows my mind, what the hell is grandma sex anyway, doing it with grandma bent over her walker maybe? And then enticing a Great Dane to join in? Jeez, get a freekin' life whoever did that stupid search...

4)Cannibilism sex- Ok, now I have the creepys, this brings a whole new meaning to the phrase hungry for love.... go eat somewhere else dammit!!

3)Penis spurting- Ok, I understand where that one came from, one of my favorite activities actually. Apparently, I'm not the only one....

2)Blowjob cock-biting - Ok I admit it, I like teeth dammit, yeah so I enjoy a little pain with my pleasure.... so what! Leave me alone!! Dammit !!

1)Picture of penis wiper blades- Haha This one is my favorite. Can you buy penis wiper blades? Anyone know? If so I think I might want a set for my car!!! Hell yeah!!!

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Now is the part where I show off. hehe. Sometimes that's just plain fun... I did a few new blogger templates recently and you know I like showing them off soooo... The first one is over at Boo's Blog, many of you may know her, if not you should! I think she also has blogging's l o n g e s t url ever! Next up is at Kiss of Life with Sharron doing all the smooching, a fun blog with lots of nice pictures and lots of doggie pics too, Seamus, take note buddy! Next up is the blog of none other than Tommy Blaze, nationally known comedian, has been seen on Friends the sitcom as Rachel's date and had parts in several movies, and gets to hang out sometimes with peeps like Drew Carey!! Not many have found his blog yet so be the first on your block to get in on the fun, go over to all three and tell em' I sent ya LOL hell yeah!!

Have a stellar weekend!!!
Monday, May 09, 2005

a strange death pt. 2

You can read part 1 two posts down.

I had been working offshore in the North Sea off the coast of Scotland and England for several months on my first overseas contract when I got a message from the company headquarters in New Orleans. It seemed that there was a lawsuit that had been filed by John's family citing wrongful death and negligence on the part of the company. I wasn't aware that it had even been filed until that moment. The man had died on the job almost 2 years previous and I had put the entire episode out of my mind. The message said I had to be inshore and that I would fly back to New Orleans and be there for the court dates. An entire week in New Orleans, paid and with all my expenses covered to boot! It was like an awesome vacation invitation except I might be called in as a witness in the state court of Louisiana. The company had no choice but to ensure that I was there for the trial in case I was called upon.

I flew in and I was not given any instructions except for what dates and times I had to be there and just wait outside of the courtroom in case I was called. Of course the first thing I did was visit family and friends because I showed up on the weekend and made myself ready for court that Monday morning. When I arrived I was brought into a meeting with the lawyers in the DA's office and given the statement that I had written 2 years before the day of the death. It was scrawled on a yellow legal sheet in my own handwriting and I was sort of dismayed that it had been filed and now put before me in such a way. It looked worn like it had been viewed many times over and over again. I was told to read it over and to make sure everything that I had written was to the best of my recollection. I did so, but now looking over it I wondered how accurate it was regarding the blur of events and it seemed ok so I handed it back. I suddenly realized that I may be a key witness and this of course got me very nervous.

The first day of the trial passed and I wasn't called, I just anxiously waited in a nearby room. I had to wait till the 2nd day to get the whole mess out of the way and It turned out to be a very strange and unusual situation to be in. I was still very nervous as my name was called and I made my way thru the huge room. I had not been inside until that moment and it was very strange seeing all those faces looking at me as I walked in, some I knew most of them though were new to me. It was easy to spot the family, the wife was dressed in mourning clothes and held a tissue to her face. I thought it odd she might be mourning so hard 2 years later but I decided it must be for show to the jury.

The bailiff swore me in and I took my seat in the witness stand and the plaintiff's attorney started questioning me. His questions sometimes seemed out of line to me and he seemed to be trying to make me look like I did not know what I was doing on the job the night of the mans death. In other words trying to make me look stupid because I didn't use certain technical terms in my handwritten statement. One thing he seized on in particualr was that I used diving jargon in my statement to describe some of the equipment instead of the precise technical terms. One in particular was that I had used the words decompression chamber in my statement to describe what is technically known as a hyperbaric re-compression chamber like I didn't know the difference between the two. I did know the difference, but he tried to make it appear that I did not.

I was very young of course and hell I was only 21 at the time of the trial. The only training I had ever received was within the company itself and they deemed me fit to do the job that was given to me. He would ask a question and I would try to elaborate on what I meant on my statement. This made him angry and he asked the judge if he could treat me as a hostile witness. The man was intent on making me look as undertrained and irresponsible and incapable of doing my job as he posssibly could. Maybe his entire case hinged on making me appear to be incompetent which of course would put the company at fault for any damages that I "might" have done as far as improper care for the deceased diver during the mans death. Being a hostile witness meant that I could only reply with yes or no answers, with no elaboration whatsoever. This made me angry of course and I think that's what the asshole was trying to do all along. In trying to defend myself it just made me seem foolish and at the mercy of this bastard that was a part of suing the company because the man had a heart attack. I suffered thru a few more of his stupid questions and I was finally allowed to leave the stand.

The next day I arrived not sure if I was going to be called upon again and I was in the hallway outside the courtroom. After a time passed I was approached by one of the company lawyers and was told to go home, the case had been settled out of court for an undisclosed sum with the company admitting no wrong doing. I had the distinct feeling that the plaintiff's lawyers had also had a field day shooting down the dive contollers statements and the so called dive doctors statements as well. The company had caved in to save embarrasement and the deed was done. The family presumably got wealthy over a natural heart attack and the company lost it's ass.

The entire ordeal left a sour taste as I realized just how much of what I had done that day and night was scrutinized over and over again as though I had something to do with causing the man to die. I didn't like it of course but I was able to use what I learned a few years later in another situation involving 2 divers that died on the job. Two friends of mine that suffered needless deaths and it would haunt me unless I could find some way to prevent that from happening again.
Friday, May 06, 2005

a meme.. untagged

I've been tagged twice to do this meme so you guys get this instead of the finish to my last post! hehe

1) If I could be a scientist, I would invent a chemical that could be spread on lawns to put it into suspended animation of sorts, it would look great and the grass would grow so slow that it would not need trimming for months! This would save billions in fuel costs every year and give me more time to screw off! Unfortunately the main effect would get spread all over the entire world and all plants and vegetables would grow so slowly that the entire world would starve to death, all life on earth would cease to exist.

2) If I could be a missionary I would teach a new religion that worships computers and then use the power behind my new born cult of pc worshippers to take over the entire world. We would eventually build a system so incredible it would rule all mankind and become evil and eventually set off all the nuclear devices on the planet, all life would cease to exist.

3) If I could be an architect I would design a bridge to cross the Pacific Ocean and make it possible to drive to both Hawaii and Japan. Unfortunately, the weight of the structure would cause the earths crust to collapse undersea, triggering an earthquake that would cause a tsunami so huge that it would engulf the land masses of every country on earth, killing all life on the planet.

4) If I could be a professor I would develop a new theory that makes nuclear fusion possible. We would then develop a massive fusion engine based on my theory to use to power all of earths energy needs for all time. Unfortunately a flaw in the theory would cause the fusion to escape it's containment system based on gravitational forces when a comet passes too close to earth. The atmosphere on the entire planet is consumed in the fusion reaction in a matter of minutes and all life on earth ceases to exist.

5) If I could be a magician I would make all of these silly meme lists disappear once and for all! Oh wait! I'm a voodoo witch doctor.... so here goes!! ... Poof!!... no more meme!

Aren't you glad YOU'RE not getting tagged for this one! hehe

yeah, I know I'm a spoil sport but some of you just love these things so feel free to steal away! You can find the list itself at Harmony St. Charles and tCj's A Girl in the Den and last but certainly NOT the least Tricia at woodyeswood !!
Tuesday, May 03, 2005

a strange death

We were working off the deck of an ocean going workboat about 200 ft long in water that was about 175 ft deep. I was a well seasoned tender, maybe 19 at the time. We were diving around the clock and the work for the divers was strenuous and cold. They were digging an underwater trench in the mud to bury a pipeline near an oil production platform in the Gulf of Mexico a few hundred miles offshore. Using firehoses pressurized with salt water fed thru a nozzle to blast out the mud on the sea floor under the pipe, as they dug along under pipeline it would slowly lay into the underwater ditch. The pipes always had to be buried so they couldn't be snagged by anchors and cause a major oil spill.

I was assigned to a diver named John, it was my first job with him, a really nice guy. The word on him though was that he was too old to be doing that type of work. He was 48 and the scuttlebutt among the crew was that he may have been having heart problems. Most of the divers felt he shouldn't be there because of the nature of the job. Many divers seem to retire at about age 40 to 45 anyway because of the extreme working conditions you might encounter on the job. I wasn't really prepared for what was going to happen to him the next day and It was quite disturbing.

It was about 10PM and he was in the water trenching and he was having a very difficult time. I was on the edge of the deck tending his hoses and lifelines and listening to him on the helmet radio. The radio conversation between him and the dive controller was piped over a loudspeaker on deck so we could hear everything that went on while he was working. This saved time as far as relaying all information to the deck crew when he needed surface assistance and it kept us aware of unusual conditions. The man was breathing very heavily, obviously out of shape and struggling with the forces of the firehose. Usually you see 2 maybe 3 men handling the back-pressure of a firehose on land, imagine one man trying to do it alone underwater with poor footing and weighted down with full diving gear!

He started complaining about chest pains over the radio and huffing and puffing so badly the dive controller ended the dive so I pulled him up slowly for decompression. He made his "stops" at regular intervals in the water and we finally got him on deck and got his gear off. He still needed further decompression though and he had to go inside a hyperbaric chamber to be recompressed and then further decompressed to insure there were no air bubbles in his blood to cause the bends. As I was his tender that meant that I would be at the controls of the chamber to ventilate it to remove CO2 and to keep his oxygen fresh and change the pressures of the chamber to do the decompression necessary. I could also talk to him on a radio and see him through a porthole.


a hyperbaric chamber with an airlock

Once inside the chamber he was ok for a few minutes then suddenly started breathing fast and very loudly and yelling "ventilate the chamber" over and over again. I started doing as he requested, letting huge amounts of air in while exhausting huge amounts of air out to circulate the air inside with fresh air. Not an easy task to do while trying to hold the pressure inside at a constant level, but I adjusted the valves as quickly as I could while watching the depth gauge closely. Meanwhile I yelled at someone to go get the dive controller to come over and assist me and see why John kept requesting a total ventilation. I was now using so much air I it was taking down the reserves for the entire shipboard operation, including air for the next diver that was already in the water to replace John on the firehose detail.

It fell silent inside as I was ventilating, only the very loud rush of air going in and out could be heard, almost deafening. I tried to raise John on the radio but he was now silent and I could no longer see him inside the porthole, he had moved in such a way that he was no longer visible. Finally the dive controller arrived and asked me a few questions and then he tried to raise John on the radio and I stopped ventilating for a few minutes so we could hear. No answer, no nothing. The chamber had an airlock and the dive controller climbed in the outer lock and I compressed him in to the same depth as John until he could open the inner door. Once inside he too started to yell ventilate the chamber. I cranked the valves wide open and after a few minutes he yelled over the radio to have someone come help me and to have a dive Doctor on a nearby vessel brought over to help. He would not tell us though what was going on inside. i could barely see inside the porthole because there was so much condensation inside the glass was constantly fogged up.

Finally, the doctor arrived after he was rushed over from a few miles away on a small crew boat and I locked him into the chamber as well after he asked a few questions. Once inside they continued to request plenty of ventilation and I could barely hear what was going inside, and, by now we had a small crowd watching the entire operation and wondering what was going on.

Eventually the dive controller was air-locked out and he said he thought that John was dead and that they had no idea what had happened to him. He left to make a call to inshore operations on what to do next and I was told to stay at it. I stayed on duty for about 17 hours straight manning the controls of that chamber and I was getting quite exhausted by now. There was no one to relieve me on deck because the other diving operations were continued and everyone else was needed on that front. After he made the call he came back out and had us stop venting the chamber and to get the dive doctor out and leave the chamber sealed at depth.

After several hours the Coast Guard showed up along side and they shut down all the operations onboard and sealed all the equipment and took statements from everyone involved, including me. I had to write down every detail of what happened as I recalled it and I was so exhausted I'm sure that I was recalling things in a blur. I was going to regret not recalling certain things 2 yrs later on, but I had no idea at the time. We were ordered to remain on board and to have the vessel put to port while the Coast Guard investigated the situation. We found out that our so called dive doctor was not an actual licensed MD and could not fill out a death certificate or even legally declare the man dead. It would not be till we reached port the next day that an actual doctor would come on and do the declaration. Meanwhile, the Coast Guard decided to impound every single piece of diving equipment in use on board while they completed their investigation which included doing tests on everything that we had used.

The MD that came onboard declared death by natural causes of a heart attack, pending the results of the Coast Guard testing and investigation to insure that he wasn't carbon dioxide poisoned or death by other unnatural means. I was finally allowed to leave the scene and I went home that day.

Next up, the lawsuit...