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Saturday, December 24, 2005

Have a good one!

Happy, crazee holidays, merry freekin' Christmas, one helluva happy Hanukkah, a kick ass Kwanzaa and whatever else you crazee bunch love to celebrate this time of year!

It's been a great year with all my blogger friends and I'm looking forward to '06 being even better! With that, have a great new year, kiss and hug the one you love (often) and try not to get too damn wasted on new years eve!

Anyway, I'm outta here for a while, I've got a killer vacation trip planned in a far away place and you might not hear from me again till next year!

Hell yeah!
Saturday, December 17, 2005

Gigantic Mustang Ass

I've always been in love with old cars of many different types. One of my all time favorites though were the '65 and '66 Ford Mustangs. The body lines on those just scream out "classic" the moment you lay eyes on one of those machines. I've owned at least 3 of them myself through the years which I personally restored very carefully with custom paint and fresh interiors. In fact one of the reasons I owned a body shop was to have the facilities in which to restore old muscle cars, primarily the ones built in the late '60s by GM, Ford and Chrysler.

One of the things I kept wishing though, was that Ford would come out with an all new Mustang that would faithfully recall the vintage Mustangs that I loved so much. But, for years they kept coming out with junk that had very little in common with that classic body style. Ford just kept missing the mark in spite of the millions of fans all over the world that wanted a return of the original lines but in a modern day muscle car.

Until 2005 that is, finally they brought out an all new model that at first glance did the original cars some justice. I watched the commercials on television and I got excited at what I kept seeing, hoping to finally see one on the road. The commercials however did not show a rear view of the cars before they were released. Every view was from the front and side of the vehicle and I have to admit, damn they sure looked great! Eerily similar to the early body style! I couldn't wait to see one on the road!


Man, this thing just looks great coming at you, even the side profile looks very cool! Then one day you actually see one pass on the road and watch it go by and you finally get a peek at the rear end of the car and HOLY SHIT, this thing has a gigantic ASS! A huge BUTT. It's carrying a loaded diaper! It can't fit thru the garage door with an ass like that! This thing has a seriously bad case of "JUNK IN THE TRUNK!"

Ford, Ford, Ford, you stupid bastards, you screwed it up yet AGAIN! Every time I see one of these things going by I'm reminded of THIS!

Ahhhhh, my eyes, my poor, poor EYES!!! Man this thing is just absolutely BUTT UGLY going away!!! And that's exactly what I want it to do, just go the fuck away! Ford, just give it up, you've had 40 years now to get this right and you've failed miserably at every attempt!!



On my last post I just wanted to point out that I wasn't serious about the Horribly Naked Tuesday thingie. I was just trying to poke fun at the real HNT. Of course if you guys want to post your own Horribly Naked pics, feel free! LOL That picture wasn't actually of me either, although I once had a really bad fall and incredibly my leg did look very much like the one in the photo! The moment I saw that photo the memory of that accident came flooding back. Gahhh!



In other news, I finally finished my webmasters certification course (6 months/150 hours) that I was taking thru Delgado University here in New Orleans with a final score of 97.32 overall! Yeah, I kicked some ASS!! Woohoo! With that out of the way I plan on doing another start up company after the first of the year to go for the commercial webwork in addition to my Blogs Gone Wild! site. The BGW! site will be seeing a lot of changes in the near future as well. I have a lot of plans in mind for 2006 and I can't wait to see what the new year is gonna bring! Hell yeah!

Here's a few links to some of my latest stuff if ya care to check it out! Python News which was a class exercise (I had to come up with all the content) and Clearly Expressed for a customer and a blog called Mallory's Poems and finally a blog I completed just yesterday, Desktop Flamingo, very cool!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

HNT on Tuesday v1.0

Never one to jump on a bandwagon I thought it would be fun to start an alternative to the ever popular Half Naked Thursday. I think I'll call mine Horribly Naked Tuesday! To start it off, I thought it would be cool to show off some pics of injuries resulting from a nasty motorcycle spill. Those are always fun!

Now that I've broken the ice (and the skin) feel free to join in and show off your horribly naked pics! Have fun!!
Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Krewe of Dunces

There is talk of having an abbreviated Mardi Gras season here come February next year. The biggest obstacle seems to be money, the city doesn't have the cash to pay for extra police, fire and emergency services needed to put on the sprawling event that takes over the entire city. In the meantime, most of the residents don't even have a fucking house to live in and the ones that do have a roof and four walls, it is most likely in a barely livable condition considering virtually every home was severely flooded and in need of major repairs. Thousands of people are actually living in tents!! There are several major obstacles to getting any home repaired here, the National Flood Insurance Program backed by the Feds is OUT OF MONEY, my parents home received considerable damage that is covered by the NFIP and now over 3 months later they still have not received any money! They call and call but they keep being told to "be patient". Even if they did have the money then there is the major problem of getting someone to actually do the repairs, all the area contractors have so much backlog that it will take them years to catch up with 100's of thousands of homes needing major repair work.

Now we come to the really juicy, fun part. Just over a week ago the local newspaper put up a story describing what actually happens at the semi-annual levee inspections. It turns out that the 30 odd board members are actually getting together for a large social event including a very expensive meal with dishes like crab cake with champagne dill sauce topped off by a dessert of white chocolate mousse with a raspberry coulis. And that there was much more time spent on the communications concerning and planning the actual dinner which they retire to after a long and oh so fucking difficult day of thoroughly inspecting all 125 miles of the city's extensive levee system. They claimed that they were able to do a "proper inspection" of the entire levee system in less than... get this now... 5 MOTHERFUCKING HOURS. And the brainless wonders still had time to make it for the expensive luncheon at 1pm! Yeah. Riiiight.

When questioned about the events leading up to and surrounding the so called "thorough inspection" the levee boards top administrator (apparently in charge of planning expensive luncheons) defended himself and the board by stating "On a daily basis, our people are out in the field cutting the grass and most of their supervisors have been here 25 or 30 years, so they know what a good levee looks like and what one with problems looks like. If there's a problem, it's looked into further." In other words the guys cutting the grass are also levee engineers is what he has the gall to say. Have you ever heard anything so fucking lame?

Then to really knock these assholes off their already ridiculous position, within a week we get this headline in the local paper "Evidence points to man-made disaster" "Human mistakes led to N.O. levee breaches" Investigations have shown that the levees failed BEFORE Katrina even came ashore, toppled and breached by storm surges ahead of the storm that had not yet had the chance to even reach a Category 3 much less a Cat 5!! They know what a good levee looks like??? Apparently a good one is one that hasn't toppled over yet from storm surges below the design strength, and a bad one is one where the water is pouring through so fast that the water level reaches rooftops in just a matter of minutes!! It doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist or a levee engineer to see the difference now does it?

Need I say more????

Personally, I don't care if there is a Mardi Gras celebration this coming year but if they do, I would like to see a parade put on by the members of the levee board of New Orleans and call themselves the Krewe of Dunces. I think it would be a great parade if the actual members were on the floats in various displays of torture on the rack, bondage in old fashioned public stocks and chains, public whippings, self-flagellation, maybe even a few of them being crucified in the ancient Roman fashion. In this parade I think the throws should be the other way around, with the parade watchers throwing stones at the levee board members on the floats rather than them tossing beads, doubloons and trinkets into the watching crowd. Wouldn't that be fun! Damn, I think I would pay good money for that!! In fact hand me a whip and a few stones, it's time to party!!
Monday, December 05, 2005

Granny's Got Your Condoms

A few years back I had a notion to go get myself checked over for STD's (sexually transmitted diseases). I didn't have any reason to believe that I had caught anything, I just wanted to know for sure for both my own peace of mind and my new girlfriend at the time. I wasn't exactly sure where the best place to go was, so I called the county health clinic and they said they would do the full spectrum of tests for free. Can't beat that price!

Next day I went down there and waited a couple of hours until they finally called my name. I was led into a small exam room where they drew about 6 small vials of blood. After that I was sent to another room where I was given an actual visual exam by an older asian lady and she took a small q-tip swab and stuck it into the end of my johnson for a culture sample! Damn that hurt like a bitch and burned for a little while. No fun there! LOL

Part of the service also involved counseling about safe sex practices. After the other procedures were done I was sent to another room where there was this very little old lady that looked to be about 70ish with blue thinning hair and old fashioned granny glasses. In other words she could easily have been my very own grandmother. She told me to sit down at the desk across from her and she started asking me very personal questions about my sexual practices, stuff like did I always use condoms, had I ever had homosexual sex and whether or not I had ever done any intravenous drug use and etc. and so on while she marked my answers down on a questionaire form that she had to complete. She was very straightforward with her questions and I have to say it was very embarrasing, I was really wishing I could get the hell out of there as fast as possible!

When she was finished with that stuff she finally asked me how many condoms did I want to take with me. I mumbled something about I didn't think I needed any right now but she was very insistent that I take some because as she went on to explain that they were free of charge and I could have as many as I wanted. Here's the part where it got really embarrassing, she steps into a little store room right in the back of the office and comes out with this gigantic clear cellophane plastic container that looked like it had about 1,000 condoms in it! I looked at her and laughed and said something like OMG I dont think I'll be needing that many!!!!

She replied that they weren't all for me, she just had to open the package which she did and handed me a pile of about 30 or 40. Then she picked up a couple and said she was giving me 2 different kinds and went on to explain the differences between the two. One type was pre-lubricated and the other wasn't but that it was extra thin for extra sensitivity she went on to explain. I don't have to tell you that by now I was so totally embarrased about what she was telling me about them that I just wanted to hide under the freaking desk! She made me feel like my own grandma was explaining the ins and outs of different condoms to me! Finally she shoved the whole batch of them into a small brown paper bag and sent me on my way. Holy shit, I thought that she was never going to end, I can't recall ever being that uncomfortable before in my entire life!

Oh yeah, all my tests were negative! LOL
Friday, December 02, 2005

Outhouse Banditos

I spent most of one summer during my high school years visiting a buddy named Keith in Arkansas in the hills near Little Rock. We stayed on his grandparents farm and helped work the fields for a $1.00 an hour plus room and board. We also helped out part-time at his fathers new Suzuki motorcycle shop, meaning we got to ride lots of cool motorcycles and we also did a lot of motocross racing every chance we got. We even got to help build a motocross track that his father's shop sponsored with races every other weekend. We also had an incredible amount of fun cruising around, getting drunk, taking double dates to the drive-in and other assorted mayhem.

The area was extremely rural and many farmhouses still didn't have full indoor plumbing, meaning they had an outhouse somewhere in the backyard. Keith had a couple of friends that often hung out with us and one day one of them got the bright idea to "steal" someones outhouse that belonged to someone they didn't like.

We were drunk and of course anything like that is going to sound like a good idea to a bunch of high school kids. So the next night we loaded up in Keith's van and went out to this person's house late in the evening and snuck around back to where the outhouse was. Now, for those that don't know exactly how an outhouse works, basically all it is is a small shed with a shelf with a big hole in it that you sit over and directly below the seat area there is a hole or small pit dug in the ground to hold the waste. Very simple really and usually the shed itself is not permanently attached to the ground to make it easier to move it to different locations around the backyard when the pit gets full. Once it's full the pit can be covered with dirt and the waste is allowed to decompose back into the soil.

When we "stole" an outhouse we really didn't take it far, all we did was pick it up and move it back about 5 or 6 feet, exposing the pit which is now directly in front of the door. The idea was that anyone coming out to use it in the dark would step into the pit! I have to admit that we thought this was absolutely the best prank ever, we really laughed our asses off hoping someone would fall for it. Of course we had so much fun with this that we had to do it again and again and we actually made the local town's newspaper.
Outhouse Bandits Strike Again!
was on the front page with a warning to bring a lantern with you if you went out at night. I think we did it about 5 time overall.

What was the best prank you ever pulled?