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Sunday, July 23, 2006

Biohazard: Deadly Sausage Bomb

I was digging around in the fridge this morning for something to whip up for breakfast. Sausage and eggs and toast sounded real good and I remembered that there was a package of Jimmy Dean pork sausage somehwere in there. Seasoned with sage, my favorite! I found it way at the very bottom of the cold cut drawer, buried under a bunch of other stuff. When I reached in for it, I immediately noticed that the plastic package felt very odd, like a balloon! It was all swollen up like the package had been inflated with air.

That's not good! That's a sure sign of botulism and since I'm not particularly fond of food poisoning I decided not to eat it. I gingerly removed it from the fridge and carefully wrapped it up in a large plastic bag. I was afraid it might actually burst because it was so swollen! I set it aside on the counter for a little while, planning on carrying it out to the garbage in a few minutes but then I forgot about it... Later on I noticed it again, laying there and as I went to pick it up I realized that it had grown much larger, nearly twice it's earlier size!

The warmer room temperature had made it grow so huge that I was now very afraid it might explode! I started wondering just how big it would get before it would pop, so I carried it out to the front lawn and set it out in the sun. I went inside and watched TV for a little while and about 2 hours later I went out to check on it again. I was freaked when I saw it because it had grown nearly as large as the house! Holy Crap! Of course I had to get a picture!

Now I had the problem of disposing of this obviously deadly sausage bomb, what to do, what to do??? I can't think of anything, it's way too large for the garbage collection, won't fit in a can and as far as I know there are no government agencies set up to deal with this sort of thing. Air Force maybe? Tell 'em it's a UFO? Hmmm, I doubt they'll go for that.

You guys got any suggestions?