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Saturday, November 27, 2004

Contacts? who thinks this crap up anyway?

The past couple years I noticed that either (A) my arms have gotten much shorter or (B) I need glasses or contacts, yeah. I had taken to wearing drugstore goggles so I could read the small stuff but that was no longer getting it. Sooo after giving it lots and lots of thought, umm, naa just kidding, no way would I waste my precious time thinking about something so mundane as glasses and such. So I did what any self respecting person would do . I got my ass over to the local Wal-Mart vision center and had my eyes checked. Somehow the words "Wal-Mart" and "Vision Center" just don't look right in the same sentence, is that just me? Don't get me wrong, Wal-Mart is great for low prices on cheap ass stuff, almost like a giant everything 99cent store. Every trailer park should have it's own Wal-Mart btw. But do I want to trust my eyes to them?
And all I know about eyes and glasses and stuff could fit on the dot at the end of this sentence.

All I did know was eye protection, like goggles to keep warp speed bits of eyeball shattering metal shrapnel out at work or glasses for biking to keep some horrified, screaming gnat from taking up permanent residence in your cornea at 80+mph on the highway. Ow that hurt just to write it out!

Anyway the real reason I dreaded going to the "Wal-Mart Vision Center" was I was afraid the doc would say HaHa silly boy, no contacts for YOU. You must wear THESE (shows some huge black frames with lenses as thick as the ones on Hubbel that can focus on distant galaxies, not real clearly without some help but still frikkin huge) I shriek like a little girl and run away shittin and shoutin something about Stephen King you unholy bastard WHAT have you done to my poor, poor eyes! Just like a mini waking nightmare it was, whew.

Anyway the doc sits me down in this cool comfy barcalounger like chair and reaches over and swings around this nasty looking machine with knobs and gadgets on it that I swear was gonna suck my eyeballs out for inspection to see what kinda glasses/contacts I need. He says put your face here and tell me what do you see? I say, it's a nasty looking machine with knobs and gadgets thats gonna suck my eyeballs out for further inspection, he says no no look thru the lenses at the characters on the wall. I thought he maybe meant cartoon characters cause I couldn't see till he made some adjustments on the eyeball suckin' machine. Well I told him many times over and over it was better, worse, and so on and so forth till he was done inspecting.

OK, here is the part that blew me away, he says I can wear ONE contact in my right eye and none at all in my dominant left eye. This gave rise to a vision of my left eye kicking the crap out of my right eye all day long for no good reason at all except maybe it was prettier or perhaps was responsible for the occasional bout of beer goggles that I had gotten a few horrible times in my life. You know the goggles you get when after too many beers every girl in the joint has magically become very attractive?

Ya, THOSE goggles. Well, he explains one eye (The dominating one of course) will be able to see far and the wussy eye (with the contact) can see near and you won't need hubble like glasses to peer at distant galaxies without some help and stuff. And to my amazement it works, it actually works! Totally cool tacos. But I still have visions of bad ass lefty kickin the tar out of wussy ass right eye. I mean who thinks this crap up anyway? Was it an accident? Did a Hubble researcher accidentally drop one of its lenses and discovered that Hubble can see both near and far? And then assumed that people would work the same? I don't know about you guys but thinking about these things can be bad to dwell on. oh well, off to blog surf and try not to poke any eyes out...