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Friday, December 08, 2006

Marking the Territory

Over the years I've realized that people have some very strange behaviors and habits. One thing that is very rarely discussed is some of the rituals and social interaction in the mens room. Here's a few of my character observations, the names I totally made up but I think they cover it pretty well.

The Tinkle Belle - This guy is almost dainty in the way he approaches the task. Unzips it very carefully, making double-damn sure nothing gets caught or something. Might look around once or twice in the process, throws a half-embarrased quick smile at anyone else in the room and then rezips with even more care. Definitely looks down while zipping just to make sure! Always washes and dries his hands!

The Hunchback - This guy reminds me of Quasimodo the way he hunches over the urinal. Gets as close as he can and shields the action with his arms and elbows while he goes. Makes damn sure no one can see what's going on down there! Stares straight down in front the entire time. Sometimes I think they're secretly inspecting stolen microfilm or possibly worried about getting a fluorescent light burn on the equipment. Who knows?


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The Flash - This guy is all business, walks in very quickly and heads straight for the closest station. Has it already unzipped when he's still walking in up to 5 feet away. Drains it in about 10 seconds flat and is still zipping up as he heads for the door to leave! Doesn't have time to inspect for proper closure and never washes his fucking hands! Duuuude!!! WTF?

The Howie Mandel aka The Monk - The germophobe. You can tell this guy is appalled that he is forced to use a public facility by the look on his face. It doesn't matter if it's at the nasty downtown bus station or the whistle-clean one adjacent to the operating room at the local hospital. Cleanliness is THE issue here. Probably pulls it out with a kleenex to avoid touching himself then washes his hands for fifteen minutes when he's done. Actually carries and uses sterile handi-wipes to finish up. Uses a paper towel to hold the door handle when leaving. You need some serious help dude!!

The Wallflower - This guy probably has some wacky social issues. Looks embarrased the entire time he's in the room and always hangs back waiting till everyone else is gone so he can do it in total privacy. It doesn't matter if there's a couple of empty stations, and usually feigns preoccupation with combing his hair in the mirror while waiting. He's not fooling anyone though. Momma probably told him that using the toilet was naughty!! Or he was voted most likely to become an adult bedwetter. Who knows?

The Urine Retentive - This guy obviously held it for as loooooong as possible, way, way too long in fact and when he arrives the stations are all full. Fun to watch as he shifts his feet, holding his crotch, dancing very impatiently like a child while waiting for a spot to relieve himself. This is probably the asshole that pisses all over the seats in the toilet stalls because he waited too long to show up. He has to go so bad that he can't wait for a urinal and he definitely doesn't have time to lift the fucking seat!

The Urinal Talker - This dude has to run his mouth and chat with anyone that will listen while he's doing his duty. Dude, I don't care what your favorite NFL team did and I don't wanna hear about the new truck you just bought. Or that you "got lucky" at this club the night before. I don't know you and I'm not in the habit of making bathroom buddies. Standing at the next urinal doesn't count as being neighbors! That's just too freaking weird. Just shut up!

The Straight Man - Just walks in quietly and stares dead ahead at the wall studying it carefully for cracks or something, who knows? You barely know he came and went, just as it should be, never leaves a mess and always washes his hands.

The Superman - This guy thinks he can pee over tall buildings in a single bound. Pees with an "I don't give a shit" attitude. Doesn't bother to stand close enough to the facility. Stands with shoulders back, crotch forward and just let's it fly, not caring what he hits. If he was wearing a cape it would be flying in his imaginary breeze behind him. This nasty bastard always dribbles all over the damn floor. Yeah, thanks dude, we love walking in your fucking pee, asssssshole! This is the guy that inspired the expression "Stand Close, It's Shorter Than You Think".

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The Forrest Tucker - Could be any of the guys above except for the Flash but he also has some kind of appearance issues. It takes him about 5 minutes to get his shirt properly tucked in, jamming it down all round 3 or 4 times before zipping up and buckling his belt. Inspects himself carefully all around in the mirror several times and might actually redo his shirt tucking ritual again if not totally satisfied with the results. Always hogs the damn mirror, move over dude!

I'm sure the guys aren't alone in this. I'll bet there's female counterparts to some of the characters above. What about it ladies? Any wacky ladies room rituals or characters you wanna share with us?

Have a great weekend!!!!