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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

if I were Picard.....

things would be a bit different on the Enterprise! Here are a few example's.

  • Institute wacky hat nights on the bridge. Imagine Worf in a British Admiralty hat. Picard in a Romulan Asshat. Data with an old Yankees cap.
  • Metallica blasting over the super galaxy class warp powered sound system.
  • There are no speed limits in space, so it's warp 9 all the time babeee! None of that silly ass warp 3 b.s.
  • Install one of them big ass barefoot looking gas pedals on the floor at Data's console.
  • Giant trucker mudflaps on the engine nacelles with chrome trim and naked ladies.
  • Big ass air horns on top to scare the bejeesus out of alien life forms and have em play "You Got Another Thing Comin" by Judas Priest to announce our arrival.
  • Keep the life support system set to a cool 65F so the ladies in their skin tight jumpers will have nard hipples all the time.
  • Sticker in rear window: Turn Signal Broken, Watch For Finger
  • Use phasers to write my name on the surface of planets below. Also great for writing "Bite Me" that can be seen from 100,000 miles away.
  • Drag race for pink slips with the Ferengi's after Data and Geordi installs nitrous oxide boosters and huge blowers to the warp drive.
  • Custom candie apple red paint job, need I say more?
  • Order No1 to go take a No2 often. (shamelessly ripped from Beavis/Butthead)
  • Allow practical jokes like hiding Geordi's visor and then rearranging Engineering section.
  • Fill photon torpedoes with bright red paint and launch em at Klingon ships then haul ass for fun!
  • Engage? what the hell does that mean? "Nail it, Data" would be better.
  • Be sick often to get those ooo so delicious sponge bath's from Dr. Crusher.
  • Install gigantic subwoofers under the ship to make loud low booooom sounds and cruise slowly around the Klingon home planet to annoy the hell out of them.
  • Talk more hip: Mr Worf, dude, crank up them phasers and show them asshats we ain't messing around! or: Romulan vessel, back off beyotch or we gonna shoot photon torpedoes so far up your ass you'll be shittin nuclear turds for a month!
  • Have crew wear cool T-shirts with stuff like "Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you're a Klingon asshole!" or: "I Went to Romula and All I Got Was the Ferengi Clap" (credit: Kristin)
  • Bumper sticker: "My other starship is a Harley"
  • Program holodeck emitters to make ship look like the Oscar Meyer weenie mobile or a lowrider 1960 chevy impala.

This is an interactive list, if you brought some funny to add let me know!

Inspired by the evil overlord list