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Sunday, December 19, 2004

i bet you didn't know....RE-UPDATED

these fun facts about New Orleans:

  1. If you are caught pronouncing the name of our city as New Orleens, the local gendarmes will pick you up and whisk you away to a hidden underground bunker at the Royal Sonesta Hotel on Bourbon St. where Gerard Depardieu will beat you silly with a catfish until you can pronounce it correctly. Correct is either N'Awlins or New Awlins or New Alunz depending on how close you live to downtown.
  2. If you can pronounce the name Tchoupitoulas St. correctly you are either a local or a long time resident or ya just got lucky. Correct pronunciation gets you a lifetime subscription to Shrimp & Crawfish Magazine.
  3. If you call crawfish "crayfish" you are immediateley labeled a yankee and sent away to see #1.
  4. Everyone that lives north of Baton Rouge is a yankee. period. no if's ands or buts. That's only 1 hours drive north.
  5. If you douse your breakfast eggs with Tabasco hotsauce and chase em down with extra strong cafe au lait you are a true fan of New Orleans food. Keep a picture of those eggs in your wallet, flashing it will keep you from going to #1.
  6. Spicy Red Beans and Rice w/ hot smoke sausage are always eaten on Mondays. Anything with seafood in it is eaten on Fridays, list includes: raw oysters, catfish, crabs and shrimp and tasty cooters at Hooters.
  7. Attending the biggest, most lavish Mardi Gras parades will net you the coolest beads thrown. Rex and Bacchus parades are two excellent ones. Save them suckers for next year and skip the parades. Wear ALL of the beads previously caught to Bourbon St. on Mardi Gras day where they can be exchanged for LOTS of tittie and naughty bits flashing and be sure to have your camera ready.
  8. If you attend the "Cajun Fais Do Do" at Tipitina's every Sunday then you are a true fan of the cajun undergound culture.
  9. If you get body blocked by a small child while reaching for a cheap ass pair of beads thrown from a float, then and only then can you understand the true spirit of Mardi Gras.
  10. If you come to N.O. and hang out at the Hard Rock Cafe then your ass sucks canal water and we don't want to know you. You are better off hanging in the quarter at some seedy bar with female impersonators pretending like you are a local along with the 800,000 other tourists that do.
  11. If you walk into a restaurant and order a sandwich called a poor boy and pronounce it that way, see #1. Correct is po'boy.
  12. Jambalaya and shrimp or crawfish etouffe or seafood gumbo and boudin cajun sausage are good to eat any day of the week!
  13. The term "riding the streetcar" can be considered both actually riding a street car on Canal St. or as sexual innuendo.
  14. It is perfectly normal to meet men named "Michele" it's a good cajun name.
  15. French people (from France) are a buncha whiny assed, fruity looking, Gauloises smoking, chicken shit cajunposerwannabes that smell bad. We can communicate in french but it is NOT the same.
  16. You might think you would look tacky walking aound downtown wearing 100 pairs of cheap ass plastic brightly colored and gaudy beads, but trust me you will blend right in.
  17. If you come to N.O. and don't eat a muffelata at Central Grocery, expect Mr. Hands to show up at your house, with his own personal catfish and beat you silly.
  18. If you shagged your girlfriend in Pirates Alley behind St. Louis Cathedral, then you automatically become a member of the Krewe of Cajun Booty Pirates.
  19. If you and your girlfriend ever shagged late at night in the tres spooky City of the Dead aka. St. Louis Cemetary, you got my respect cause it's spooky as hell even in daylight!
  20. The Cafe Du Monde is a wonderful outdoor place to sit and enjoy some of the worlds best cafe au lait (latte and au lait are NOT the same, click link)the old fashioned way and eat chewy powdered sugar coated donuts called beignets (benyays) while gawking at all the tourists walking by. The waiters bring big old-fashioned kettles of boiling hot coffee and another with scalding hot milk and pour them simultaneously right into your cup at the table. Most delicious. Do not miss this landmark across from Jackson Square and the St. Louis Cathedral!

If anyone has any cool fun facts to add to my list, let me know!