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Monday, March 28, 2005

i'm a frikkin' BUTCHER...

...of lawns and anything green. If it grows I'll kill it. I'm like the grim reaper with a weedeating, high-powered, fossil-fuel enraged scythe of death and destruction. Nothing stands in my way, NOTHING. Flowers? DOOMED. Nice shrubbery? Marked for DEATH. Don't even get me started on anything that even remotely resembles a weed, they deserve special attention. If they grow back too quickly they will feel the wrath of my own brand of Agent Orange like slow death by extreme chemical poisoning. And even that is being too nice to them!

Lawnmowers are my familiars and weapon of choice, the more rickety and barely running piece of crap the better. Extremely dull, rusty ass blades for maximum hitting power. Riding mowers? Even better, I can utilize maximum horsepower at higher speeds to deal death to a wider variety of flora in a minimum amount of time.

Hedge trimmers? You want it to look like a guy on a 3 day tequila drunk hacked them bitches up, hire me! I can really wreak havoc on them, and never feel a single ounce of remorse. Electric power will do in a pinch but for maximum impact go for the gas powered death dealers, they kick ass and make shitloads of loud noises to trumpet your arrival. They cringe in fear at the sight of me bearing down on their countenance with a swordfish like gasoline powered saw.

Weedeaters! Hell yeah, now we're talking. The high pitched, whining sound of a 2 stroke powered monofilament string blade is music to my ears as I swing it to and fro, to and fro, wiping out all the flora that dare stand in my path. A huge bonus is making fire ants feel the extreme sting of the nylon as it deals out a swath of death from above as my machine mows down their mud domiciles with glee! Almost nothing makes me feel quite so giddy and full of joy!

But, I do have a soft side, I love trees! Even in my own yard! And everywhere else for that matter, the more the better! Its the grass and the shrubs and the weeds that annoy me, demanding to be tended to and to be kept trim and watered, and paid attention to, eating into my valuable time and constantly annoying the hell out of me. Making me SNEEZE and causing runny noses and puffy, itchy eyes and itchy red skin!!!

Die bastard plants, DIE.

Trees generally take care of themselves and are always welcome. I've even been known to plant a few in moments of severe sentimental weakness. But the perfect lawn for me is asphalt or concrete painted green to resemble a lawn, or covered with astroturf, that would rock my nuts!

One of my favorite expressions is, "if I moved in next door to you, your lawn would die." That one always makes me smile.