Gimme Back My Skinny

Yeah, I'm on a diet. I want my skinny back dammit! Well, actually that's not exactly true because I've never been what you would call "slim", maybe trim is a better term to describe my body size when I'm on an upswing. My weight has always been a wild rollercoaster ride, I go thru periods of several years where I work out and exercise regularly and I carefully watch my calorie intake. Then I get sick of that shit and let it all hang out, literally, for a couple years till I get sick of being a fat pig and I decide to take it off again. And so it goes, up and down, like a giant pendulum swing all through my adult life.

Right now I'm in a low spot though and I've been dieting and exercising again for the past couple weeks and I'm definitely not satisfied with the crappy results. I think I need to lose about 15 - 20 lbs of ugly fat (chopping my head off is not an option, smartass!) and it just ain't happening in spite of nearly starving myself! Gahh!! Basically, I've just been eating less (much less) and laying off the sweets (chocolate mostly) and a medium workout 3 - 4 times a week including weight training through which I've lost only a few pounds and no inches. Yes, I know that muscle weighs much more than fat and my muscles are definitely showing the difference but my waistline isn't shrinking! Fuck that!

Then I started thinking about all the crazy diets that I've used over the years to drop my weight back down to an acceptable level and I'm wondering if any of them would be suitable for me to use now. Here's a few of them, what do you guys think:

• The All Veggie Diet, that's basically eating lots of green salads with a light honey mustard dressing, lots of straight canned vegetables like corn, peas, green beans and lots of beer. I've lost a lot of weight using this one in the past, I once lost 30 lbs in a single month! I kinda like this one actually, may have to skip the beer part though.
• The Pop Tart and Cheetos Diet, this one is a lot of fun, a couple of Pop Tarts for breakfast and munch out on Cheetos all day long chased down with lots of beer. I can't remember if I actually lost any weight on it though, maybe I was too drunk to care or notice. I may have to scratch that one because my budget doesn't include beer, hmmm.
• Oreos and Beer, this one is also a lot of fun, me and a buddy that I worked with years ago would occasionally grab a 12 pack of Buds and a big bag of Oreos right after a long hard day at the shop. You would think it would be a terrible taste combination but it was very good! Especially the beers. I don't recall actually losing weight on this one either though, ok we can scratch this one then.
• The Tacos and Bud 12 pack diet, this diet consists of exactly that, a 12 pack of Tacos from Taco Bell and a 12 pack of Buds. No weight loss, but you get pretty damn drunk! I guess some of my diets aren't really all that good. I may have to rethink this whole diet plan idea.

I did a little web searching for diets and I came across an article where this guy in New Zealand is asking people to donate their fat from liposuction to help him win a race. He claims he can have the fat refined into some type of fuel that will power a boat called the Earthrace which cost $2.6 million to construct and has a top speed of 50 knots! A typical liposuction operation can yield as much as 3kg of fat. Once refined that amount could produce three litres of refined biofuel, enough to drive his Earthrace boat 2km. Now if we could just find a way to power cars with that stuff and somebody could come up with a cheap home liposuction kit. We could all eat like pigs and power our cars and trucks with clean fuel and with less guilt and look damn good doing it too! Hell yeah!