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Monday, December 05, 2005

Granny's Got Your Condoms

A few years back I had a notion to go get myself checked over for STD's (sexually transmitted diseases). I didn't have any reason to believe that I had caught anything, I just wanted to know for sure for both my own peace of mind and my new girlfriend at the time. I wasn't exactly sure where the best place to go was, so I called the county health clinic and they said they would do the full spectrum of tests for free. Can't beat that price!

Next day I went down there and waited a couple of hours until they finally called my name. I was led into a small exam room where they drew about 6 small vials of blood. After that I was sent to another room where I was given an actual visual exam by an older asian lady and she took a small q-tip swab and stuck it into the end of my johnson for a culture sample! Damn that hurt like a bitch and burned for a little while. No fun there! LOL

Part of the service also involved counseling about safe sex practices. After the other procedures were done I was sent to another room where there was this very little old lady that looked to be about 70ish with blue thinning hair and old fashioned granny glasses. In other words she could easily have been my very own grandmother. She told me to sit down at the desk across from her and she started asking me very personal questions about my sexual practices, stuff like did I always use condoms, had I ever had homosexual sex and whether or not I had ever done any intravenous drug use and etc. and so on while she marked my answers down on a questionaire form that she had to complete. She was very straightforward with her questions and I have to say it was very embarrasing, I was really wishing I could get the hell out of there as fast as possible!

When she was finished with that stuff she finally asked me how many condoms did I want to take with me. I mumbled something about I didn't think I needed any right now but she was very insistent that I take some because as she went on to explain that they were free of charge and I could have as many as I wanted. Here's the part where it got really embarrassing, she steps into a little store room right in the back of the office and comes out with this gigantic clear cellophane plastic container that looked like it had about 1,000 condoms in it! I looked at her and laughed and said something like OMG I dont think I'll be needing that many!!!!

She replied that they weren't all for me, she just had to open the package which she did and handed me a pile of about 30 or 40. Then she picked up a couple and said she was giving me 2 different kinds and went on to explain the differences between the two. One type was pre-lubricated and the other wasn't but that it was extra thin for extra sensitivity she went on to explain. I don't have to tell you that by now I was so totally embarrased about what she was telling me about them that I just wanted to hide under the freaking desk! She made me feel like my own grandma was explaining the ins and outs of different condoms to me! Finally she shoved the whole batch of them into a small brown paper bag and sent me on my way. Holy shit, I thought that she was never going to end, I can't recall ever being that uncomfortable before in my entire life!

Oh yeah, all my tests were negative! LOL